Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc

The TalkDoc & Co. discuss how conversations stall when someone answers “fine” or “I guess,” and argue the real issue is an assumption habit rather than a communication habit. They emphasize replacing certainty with curiosity because ambiguity feels threatening, and introduce the “perception check” as a tool to gather missing data. The three-part formula is: (1) neutrally describe observable behavior, (2) offer two plausible, non-loaded interpretations of equal value, and (3) ask for clarification (“What’s going on?”). They explain common ways to sabotage it (judgmental wording, unequal options, hostile tone, eye rolls, or a biased final question), note you can sometimes skip the behavior description if it’s too triggering, and show examples with partners, coworkers, siblings, kids, and friends. They conclude that the tool works when you’re willing to be wrong and assign homework to practice in low-stakes contexts. 

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts :  Dr. Pamela Kreiser

Perception Checking Formula :  

1. Neutrally describe observable behavior
2. Offer two plausible, non-loaded interpretations of equal value
3. Ask for clarification 

Links to Previous Episodes about Perception Checking:

https://youtu.be/qFih99VMeOU

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/026-perception-checking-how-to-get-people-to-talk/id1552837876?i=1000532269418

In this episode, The TalkDoc & Co. explain “stonewalling” as one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) and frames it like a relationship “dashboard” warning light that, if persistent, predicts relationship termination. Stonewalling is described as emotional flooding that makes productive conversation impossible, with physical signs like elevated pulse and reduced blood oxygenation, ranging from checking out to full shutdown; it differs from defensiveness because it halts rather than argues. The hosts discuss research suggesting 85% of stonewallers are men, who enter flooding more easily and recover more slowly, and note criticism is more common among women, making criticism especially harmful when a partner is flooded. Key strategies include not hounding a flooded partner, explicitly taking a 25–30 minute self-soothing break without rumination, using clear requests or code words, and always scheduling a concrete time to revisit the topic; repeated unscheduled shutdown becomes a damaging pattern and a red flag in dating. 

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts :  Dr. John Gottman, Gottman Institute

Link : https://www.gottman.com/

The TalkDoc & Co. discuss why “crappy” apologies (e.g., “I’m sorry if I offended you,” “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I’m sorry, but…,” “you know I’m sorry,” “my bad,” or “I guess I owe you an apology”) feel empty because they shift blame, lack reflection, and show no effort. They outline research on the anatomy of an effective apology, emphasizing that it must focus on the offended person, include ingredients such as understanding the offense (not self-justifying), accepting responsibility, and offering repair, ideally with specificity and behavior change. They explore defensiveness, how bad apologies can further damage relationships, and how repeated harm makes apologies lose credibility, including in abusive patterns. They distinguish apologizing from asking for forgiveness and note forgiveness can be individual, even without receiving an apology, and they touch on cultural uses of “sorry” and overuse diluting impact. 

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts :  

Lewicki, Polin and Lount - An exploration of the structure of effective apologies.

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2016-18054-006

Maddux and colleagues - Cultural Differences in the Function and Meaning of Apologies

Cultural Differences in the Function and Meaning of Apologies

Link :

Link to AFAF Episode #003: Sorry Not Sorry - How to Apologize

https://afafpodcast.podbean.com/e/sorry-not-sorry-1612932625/

Stop Having Shallow Conversations: 3 Simple Tools to Get People Talking

TalkDoc & Co. discuss how shallow, unsatisfying conversations often come from asking too many closed or leading questions and not “hanging around” for the answer. They define closed vs. open questions and explain that opening the pathway requires commitment to listen without confirming a prewritten narrative. They share three practical tools to help others talk more: asking more open questions, using mirroring (repeating one or two key words from someone’s statement with respectful tone, as popularized by Chris Voss), and prompting with fill-in-the-blank fragments like “And that’s because…” or “So you feel…,” paired with longer wait time and silence. They note research that getting an interviewer to talk can increase likability, but warn not to use these tools with overly negative or toxic people. Homework: pick one tool, choose a context, and practice—especially with children.

Music by Epidemic Sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts : Chris Voss, Dr. Brene Brown

Resource : Chris Voss https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062407805?...

In this episode of Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc, co-hosts Dr. Pamela Kreiser, Meredith Edwards Nagel, and Teighlor Polendo share real, honest, and practical ways to improve communication and relationships, especially during holiday gatherings. They recount personal anecdotes about family holiday experiences, discuss how to manage expectations, and tackle hard conversations around politics, religion, and personal life choices. The hosts emphasize emotional boundaries, curiosity, and connection. Key concepts from Brene Brown's “Rising Strong” and “Braving the Wilderness” are explored, focusing on managing emotions, handling conflict, and maintaining authentic interactions. The episode wraps up with practical tips and the importance of focusing on the bigger picture to enjoy a peaceful and meaningful holiday season.

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts :  Dr. Brene Brown, Dr. Marc Brackett, Dr. Chandra

Resources : 

Rising Strong by Dr. Brene Brown:

https://brenebrown.com/book/rising-strong/

Braving Wilderness  by Dr. Brene Brown:

https://brenebrown.com/book/braving-the-wilderness/

Permission to Feel by Dr. Marc Brackett:

https://marcbrackett.com/permission-to-feel/

Navigating Difficult People and Opinions During the Holiday by Dr. Chandra:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-pacific-heart/201711/navigating-difficult-people-and-opinions-during-the-holidays

In this episode of Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc, co-hosts Dr. Pamela Kreiser, Meredith Edwards Nagel, and Teighlor Polendo welcome back licensed therapist Vanessa Trine, known for her expertise in anxiety disorders and trauma. Vanessa shares practical ways to handle holiday stress and anxiety, offering insights into maintaining balanced communication and setting boundaries. From discussing the difference between normal holiday stress and anxiety disorders to offering strategies for supporting partners and children during family gatherings, this episode is packed with helpful advice. Vanessa also introduces useful resources like the “Support Deck” and her “Creating Calm” anxiety relief course. Tune in for an honest and actionable guide to navigating the holiday season with a healthier mindset.

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts :  Vanessa Trine, LPPC

Resources : 

Support Deck: Therapeutic Practices to Help you Manage Big Feelings

https://odddaughterpaper.com/products/support-deck

Anxiety Course: Creating Calm - Anxiety Relief for anyone, anytime, anywhere

https://www.theprocesswellnesscollective.com/creatingcalm-course

Links :

AFAF Episode 62: AFAF with Vanessa Trine on Anxiety and How It Translates Into the Body

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/062-afaf-with-vanessa-trine-on-anxiety-and-how/id1552837876?i=1000581539779

Vanessa Trine’s Website:

https://www.vanessatrine.com

In this episode of Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc, co-hosts Dr. Pamela Kreiser, Meredith Edwards Nagel, and Teighlor Polendo delve into the dynamics of introducing a new partner to your family during the holidays. From deciding if your relationship is ready to tackling family traditions and expectations, this episode covers the practical steps and research-backed strategies to ensure the introduction goes smoothly. Learn how to prepare both your partner and your family, manage emotional climates, and debrief effectively post-visit to strengthen your relationship. Grab your cocoa and fluffy socks and tune in for essential tips on creating a supportive and harmonious holiday season.

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts :  Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Brene Brown

Resources : 

Plamondon, A., & Lachance‐Grzela, M. (2018). What if they are right? Network approval, expectations, and relationship maintenance behaviors. Personal Relationships, 25(2), 190–204.

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-18967-001

DePaulo, B. (2022, December 23). The thrill of going to holiday parties alone. Psychology Today.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202212/the-thrill-of-going-to-holiday-parties-alone

Psychology Today: Should You Meet Your Partner’s Family?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201312/should-you-meet-your-partners-family

In this episode of Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc, co-hosts Dr. Pamela Kreiser, Meredith Edwards Nagel, and Teighlor Polendo discuss the holiday pressures of gift-giving. They share insights on finding meaningful and thoughtful gifts, the impact of mismatched gifts, and how to avoid financial stress during the holidays. The conversation explores the importance of communication and relationships, practical gift ideas, and the benefits of generosity for both the giver and the receiver. Tune in for tips on how to make your holiday gifting more thoughtful and less stressful.

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Resources : 

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

https://milkweed.org/book/braiding-sweetgrass

The Psychology of Gifting

https://www.reachdesk.com/blog/the-psychology-of-gifting-how-giving-drives-stronger-business-relationships

The Psychology of Giving: Money and Generosity

https://team.monetagroup.com/the-psychology-of-giving-money-and-generosity/

Dr Orna - Interview Clip - why talking about money is difficult (1:22)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKgB41pMf-s

In this episode of Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc, co-hosts Dr. Pamela Kreiser, Meredith Edwards Nagel, and Teighlor Polendo explore the profound impact of appearance on personal and professional relationships. From the concept of “pretty privilege” to the influence of grooming and scent, they delve into how your look can shape perceptions and opportunities. The discussion includes insights on confidence, the balance between natural beauty and grooming, and the societal biases tied to physical attributes. Listen in as they share practical advice on controlling aspects of your appearance to make positive first impressions and achieve your goals.

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Resources : 

Beauty and the Labor Market: Accounting for the Additional Effects of Personality and Grooming (Robins, Homer & French, 2011)

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-9914.2010.00511.x

The Role of Fragrance and Self-esteem in Perception of Body Odors and Impressions of Others

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8592444/

Links :

AFAF Episode #95: Can't Touch This! The Power of Nonverbal Touch

https://youtu.be/4uMLVaXXDQg

AFAF Episode #99: I Don't Like Your Tone! The Power of Nonverbal Paralanguage

https://youtu.be/Bpyaqgug-XQ

In this episode of Asking For A Friend with TalkDoc, co-hosts Dr. Pamela Kreiser, Meredith Edwards Nagel, and Teighlor Polendo discuss the importance of editing our speech and the adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." They explore the impact of words on relationships and communication, providing insights into when silence is more beneficial than speaking. The conversation touches on practical tools for better communication, the power of curiosity and creativity in speech, and the need to avoid judgmental tendencies. Tune in for practical advice on managing the power of words and improving your relationships.

Music by epidemic sound.

SHOW NOTES:

Experts :  Dr. Newberg, Dr. Waldman, Dr. Puff, Dr. Segal

Resources : 

Newberg and Waldman’s Book: Words Can Change Your Brain

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/309487/words-can-change-your-brain-by-andrew-newberg-md-and-mark-robert-waldman/

Dr. Puff’s Article: The Power of Our Words

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meditation-for-modern-life/202301/the-power-of-our-words

Dr. Segal’s Article: What We Say Matters

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-empathy/201810/what-we-say-matters