#055: All the Feels! How to Better Express Your Feelings

In this episode, we discuss how to express feelings effectively. Specifically, we unpack how to better Express and Regulate emotions in a healthy way to help grow and deepen our everyday relationships. You’ll hear about which communication patterns to avoid and which ones to focus on to help us increase our emotional intelligence.  TalkDoc and the team help us visualize what Expressing and Regulating looks like by role playing with each other.  And, if you are looking for TC4G (trading comfort for growth) there is more than enough of it to go around in this episode - practical steps you can take to put what you learn into action right away.

Music by epidemic sound.

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EP 55: All the Feels - How to Express Your Feelings

Experts : Dr. Marc Brackett

Tools : RULER system for increasing Emotional Intelligence (Brackett). His book: Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive (2019)

R -Recognition of emotion in oneself  

U -Understanding of emotions involves knowing the consequences and causes of our feelings. 

L -Labeling the feeling properly is equally important.
E -Expressing feelings demands the presence of someone who wants to listen to you.
R -Regulation of emotions doesn’t entail suppression, repression, or denial, all of which don’t allow you to move past emotions. 

TC4G (TRADING COMFORT FOR GROWTH) :

1. Avoid confusing words, “I am a little mad” “I am pretty excited”
2. Avoid confusing phrases, sometimes people say roundabout phrasing like, “well if you aren’t doing anything this weekend, you could drop by” – hard to know what this means. Instead say “I feel alone”
3. Focus on specific circumstances, rather than whole relationships, Adlers says “instead of saying I resent you, say, “I resent you when you don’t keep your promises. Rather than saying, “I am bored with you” say “I am bored when you talk about money.”
4. Expand the range: Discuss multiple emotions
5. Understand the context: is this the right place to share this? Aristotle, “Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way. This is not easy.”
6. Own the feelings, instead of saying, “you make me so mad” say “I am angry” etc.
7. Use XYZ formula: (Hocker and Wilmot)
   When you do X, In situation Y, I feel Z
   When you laugh (X), when I am telling you a serious problem (Y), I feel disrespected(Z).
   When you frown (X), when I am telling you about work (Y), I feel unimportant (Z).